slow day at the office...

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,

"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren,and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them... twice."

The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father... I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!"


"The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy."
by Steven Weinberg


"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
by Rodney Dangerfield


"A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure."
by Segal's Law


"If time flies when you're having fun, it hits the afterburners when you don't think you're having enough."
by Jef Mallett


"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me."
by John Cleese


"I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence."
by Garry Trudeau


"People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them."
by Anatole France


"People ask for criticism, but they only want praise."
by W. Somerset Maugham


"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible."
by Unknown


"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
by Henny Youngman


"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
by Sir Winston Churchill


"You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
by Mitch Hedberg


"There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters."
by Alice Thomas Ellis


"Speak the truth, but leave immediately after."
by Slovenian Proverb